


Never Been in Love

by SweetRoyalty



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, American Sign Language, Aromantic, Aromantic Morality | Patton Sanders, Background Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Background Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Background Relationships, Basically Deceit is a jerk without knowing and meaning well, Black Skin Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Brown Skin Morality | Patton Sanders, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Dancing, Deaf Character, Deceit Sanders Being a Jerk, Deceit Sanders Has Vitiligo, Deceit Sanders Has a Different Name, Gen, Ginger Logic | Logan Sanders, Good Deceit Sanders, Home, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Latino Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Latino Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Light Angst, M/M, Marina and the Diamonds songs, Morality | Patton Sanders & Deceit Sanders are Siblings, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Moses Sumney Songs, Multi, Nudity, Platonic Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton (Sanders Sides), Platonic Romance, Queerplatonic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Queerplatonic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Queerplatonic Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Queerplatonic Relationships, Self-Acceptance, Self-Indulgent, Sides have Different Ethinicies, Slice of Life, Slow Dancing, Songfic, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Will Jay Songs, amatonormativity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23395873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetRoyalty/pseuds/SweetRoyalty
Summary: Patton is aromantic, alone at home and is enjoying this time dancing and filling himself with pride.He's in a queerplatonic relationship with Logan, Roman and Virgil, while the 3 of them are romanticaly dating.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 14
Kudos: 98





	Never Been in Love

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not deaf or hard of hearing but I tried my best into writing D's experience as an hoh person.  
> I first thought about his sign name being "d" with the "vitiligo" sign but I couldn't find a sign for vitiligo anywhere so I hope the sign names I mentioned were not offensive in anyway  
> I accept suggestions and critics around that matter and around my english vocabulary since english is not my first language lmao
> 
> Anyway, I hope y'all like it <3
> 
> Edit: This was written before Janus's name was revealed which is why he's being mentioned as "D"

> _“Don't you want somebody to never let you go?  
>  Knowing someone's body better than your own  
>  _ _Don't you want a family with a white picket fence?_ _  
> Tell me when's the wedding, the names of all your kids” Will Jay – Never Been in Love_

Being alone at home was always one of the best things that could happen for Patton.

Not because he doesn’t like his family but because he enjoys the freedom of being alone. And this time, the house would be all his for the whole day. His parents were taking his brother to see if they could fix his hearing-aid or buy him another one. And after that they would take him for a sleepover at the twins house and go out to celebrate their marriage anniversary. It was simply P E R F E C T.

Patton noticed his brother walking in the room and sitting on the sofa in front of him while their parents were going back and forth taking everything they need. He knew what that meant. That’s usually what they do when they want to talk privately. Patton paused his music player and left the cellphone behind.

 _\- Sorry about your hearing aid, D_ \- he signed with a sad face.

The last sign made him sulk

\- _I adore when you call me like this_ \- he said rolling his eyes when pointing his index and middle finger to the side and touching his heart so Patt would know he was being sarcastic. He giggled.

_\- Ok, can you teach me the s-n-a-k-e sign again, please?_

D made a two with his fingers, pointing to Patton, brought his hand to his chin then lowered it with a zig-zag movement like a snake moving. He repeated the movement but instead of a two he rised his index finger and touched the other ones together forming a “d” with his hand.

He gave him the thumbs up. D’s love for snakes made him really happy for being given this sign.

\- _Don’t worry about my hearing aid_ \- he showed his broken aid, hand painted as a snake – _I’ll paint a new one if we can’t fix it_

_\- What are you doing with this one then?_

He shrugged then placed his index and thumb together under his nose and slid it on his upper lip before crossing his fingers. “Mustache” followed by “R”.

The sign he gave to one of the twins.

_\- Remus asked if I can give it to him if we can’t fix. Maybe he wants to open it? I don’t know_

Patton smiled and gave him a mischievous face.

_\- You will be cuddling with your boyfriend!_

_\- Remus is not my boyfriend!_ \- he sulked while grunting.

Patton tried not giggling too loud, since D could still hear something from his right ear.

_\- Ok, he’s your crush. I hope you’ll have fun_

He rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything else to defend himself.

_\- You’re lucky you don’t have a crush. I’ll make your life a living hell when you do!_

Patt snorted.

_\- Good luck_

“… with that” he meant.

> _“_ _I'm not missing someone that I've never met  
>  Maybe a little scared, still I don't care_ _” Will Jay – Never Been in Love_

Patton took some of his clothes off having just a baby blue long T-shirt covering his brown-skinned body, feeling the wind from the open window run through him. He spinned around the room and laid down to the sofa, grabbing his phone and scrolling to see if there were any new messages for him.

* * *

**Roman (7:01 AM):** Good morning~ Who is ready for today?

 **Virgil (7:02 AM):** Ro, it’s 7 in the fucking morning

 **Virgil (7:02 AM):** Lemme sleep

 **Roman (7:02 AM):** I’m sorry, lil sunshine

 **Roman (7:03 AM):** But if you actually were sleeping you wouldn’t be answering it!

 **Virgil (7:05 AM):** Ooooor maybe I WAS sleeping but then a stupid bird sound woke me up!

 **Roman (7:05 AM):** Not my fault if you sleep with your phone glued on your face!

 **Logan (7:05 AM):** Can you stop bickering this early in the morning?

 **Logan (7:05 AM):** We’ll be ready when the time comes, Roman. No need to rush.

 **Roman (7:07 AM):** Oh my lovely nerd

 **Roman (7:07 AM):** I meant to ask if you were excited

 **Roman (7:07 AM):** Not if you were literally ready.

 **Roman (7:08 AM):** The movie is only at 7 PM

 **Virgil (7:08 AM):** I’m extremely excited, your highness

 **Virgil (7:09 AM):** Now would you please stop texting here and let me sleep?

 **Roman (7:09 AM):** As you wish, my love <3

 **Virgil (7:10 AM):** -_- <3

 **Virgil (10:23 AM):** Ok, now I’m up

 **Patton (10:30 AM):** Good morning, my dears ^_^ <3

 **Patton (10:30 AM):** Are you going to the movies today

 **Virgil (10:33 AM):** Sup, Patt

 **Virgil (10:35 AM):** Yeah… I kinda won 3 movie tickets…

 **Virgil (10:35 AM):** We’d call you but the movie isn’t really your type

 **Virgil (10:36 AM):** I’m so sorry, Patt :( I didn’t mean to exclude you or anything…

 **Patton (10:36 AM):** No no! I didn’t feel like this at all, love!

 **Patton (10:37 AM):** Don’t worry! I’m happy that you’re goin out!

 **Patton (10:37 AM):** Send me pictures of you once you meet, I wanna see your pretty faces <3 <3

 **Virgil (10:38 AM):** Are you sure? :/

 **Roman (10:39 AM):** Patt, you’re just as important as any of us. We don’t want to make you feel like a third wheel.

 **Logan (10:39 AM):** Just because you’re not involved with us romantically that doesn’t make our platonic feelings for you less important.

 **Virgil (10:40 AM):** Just tell us if something is bothering you, ok?

 **Roman (10:40 AM):** Yes, if you want we can try to see each other earlier so even if you don’t go to the movie we can at least see each other

 **Logan (10:40 AM):** Yes, we’d gladly do this for you

* * *

Patton’s smile got wider. He was being sincere when he said he wasn’t feeling excluded and he knew how genuine that invitation was because they all genuinely loved him as much as he did and in the same way he did.

As strong as everything he could feel.

They were the friends he never wanted to miss, they were the people he could always count for and know they’d do anything to help him just like he’d do anything for them _and they didn’t need to be in love with each other for it._

* * *

**Patton (10:43 AM):** You’re amazing, loves <3 But really I’m not feeling like going anywhere today. D went out with our parents and I’ll be alone the whole day, I think I’ll spend this time with myself here at home ^_^ But I appreciate it, really. I love you so much ;u; <3

 **Roman (10:43 AM):** Anything for you, my dear! Enjoy your day!

 **Virgil (10:43 AM):** We love you, ok? We’ll make sure to include you next time.

 **Virgil (10:43 AM):** Promise

 **Logan (10:44 AM):** Tell us if you need something or change your mind

 **Patton (10:44 AM):** I love you too <3 Don’t worry

* * *

Patton swiped the chat group off and searched for something to listen while baking some cookies

> _“I know exactly what I want and who I wanna be.  
>  I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine  
>  I’m now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy” Marina and the Diamonds - Oh No_ _!_

Patton was mouthing the lyrics while scooping the cookie dough. His shoulders wiggling with the song’s catchy rhythm as he felt every beat controlling his body.

Patton didn’t really listen to Marina and the Diamonds so often but Roman successfully made him addicted to this song. Last time he came to sleepover they danced together the whole night and without noticing they were practically lip-synching this song, which was so amazing and powerful that Patton never left this rush go.

He turned the stove on, started the chronometer and just left the music flowing through his body

Patton twirled off the kitchen, the wind following his movements filling his legs with a chilling sensation that would only make his movements more and more powerful.

He was throwing his head back with his eyes closed, shaking it so hard that Patton could feel the curls of his hair touching his cheeks making him smile as bright as the sun.

That’s what he likes the most about being alone. As long as nobody could see he could be as cheerful, loud and expressive as he wants without any judgement. He could manage to make his entire body feel happiness and express it in it’s own way.

He could shake his as weird and as careless he wanted.

His thoughts were cut off by a loud ringing.

\- Oops! Almost forgot my cookies!

> _“Oh yeah  
>  I'm tired of falling  
>  Oh yeah  
>  For someone else's story  
>  'Cause he gets the girl and I get ticket stubs  
>  I guess it's time to write my own personal version of love” Will Jay – Version of Love_

* * *

**Patton (6:34 PM):** Hey, Dee! Are you already at Remus and Roman’s house?

 **DD (6:40 PM):** Hey there. Yeah, we’re watching the Saw movie for the 4th time this year -_-

 **Patton (6:40 PM):** Wow…

 **Patton (6:41 PM):** Why you never tell him you don’t like this movie?

 **DD (6:42 PM):** No one likes to hear him beaming about the deaths and all the gore stuff.

 **DD (6:42 PM):** And it’s funny to hear him laughing when that woman tries to reach the keys and ends up trapped

 **Patton (6:44 PM):** Awwwww

 **Patton (6:45 PM):** It’s cute that you do that just to see him happy

 **DD (6:50 PM):** -___-

 **DD (6:51 PM):** If you wanna see it this way

 **DD (6:55 PM):** At least the movie don’t make me feel uncomfortable so it’s more bearable

 **Patton (6:56 PM):** Yup

 **DD (7:00 PM):** Hey, Patton

 **Patton (7:01 PM):** Yes?

 **DD (7:02 PM):** I think I’ll try to tell him tonight

 **Patton (7:05 PM):** Tell what?

 **DD (7:02 PM):** Don’t worry, I’m hidden in the bathroom. He’s not seeing our messages.

 **Patton (7:03 PM):** Oh, ok!

 **Patton (7:04 PM):** Well, good luck! ^^ I’m pretty sure things will turn out fine

 **DD (7:05 PM):** I’m _not_ worried about it

 **Patton (7:05 PM):** Pfff

 **Patton (7:05 PM):** Sure ;)

 **DD (7:06 PM):** urgh

 **DD (7:07 PM):** You should tell Roman too

* * *

Patton sighed. There we go again.

* * *

**Patton (7:07 PM):** D, I told you before. I’m not in love with Roman…

 **Patton (7:08 PM):** He is my best friend, just like Logan and Virgil.

 **DD (7:08 PM):** Well, I never said you were not in love with them TOO

 **DD (7:09 PM):** Look

 **DD (7:10 PM):** I know talking to mom and dad will be hard

 **DD (7:11 PM):** It is hard for me too

 **DD (7:11 PM):** But you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to

 **DD (7:12 PM):** None of us have

 **DD (7:13 PM):** I’ve always hid my relationships very well, and you know that

 **DD (7:13 PM):** I can help you so they won't find anything out too

 **DD (7:14 PM):** Or… Idk, protect you if they react badly about it

 **DD (7:14 PM):** Just know that I’m on your side, ok?

 **DD (7:14 PM):** I’ll never judge you for being who you _really_ are

 **DD (7:14 PM):** And polyamorous relationships usually go great

* * *

Patton didn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t the first time they talked about it.

No matter how many times Patton would say he’s not interested in anyone, D would try to say that he’s in love with Roman or one of his boyfriends.

Or act like he will be in love with someone someday.

But Patton highly doubted that and was pretty fine with it

* * *

**Patton (7:15 PM):** I know, D

 **Patton (7:15 PM):** I love you

 **DD (7:16 PM):** I need to go back now, I’ll talk to you tomorrow

 **Patton (7:16 PM):** Good luck!

* * *

He never told his brother about being aromantic and all this talk actually makes him less inclined to do so. He knew he means well despite everything, so Patton never felt like yelling or fighting with him for insisting on it.

But at the same time…

He was so DONE.

It was already difficult for him to find out who he really is.

It was already a huge pain to see that the fact that he doesn’t feel OK with the idea of being romantically attached to someone. That this whole thing actually makes him feel sadder, empty and chained just by the simple thought of it because “that’s what everyone needs to feel”.

It was already difficult for him to see how he can explain his relationship with Logan, Virgil and Roman.

Yes, they were made for each other.

No, he never wants them to go away.

Yes, he loves them A LOT.

But his love was not romantic.

His 3 partners were dating each other romantically but they all see Patton as someone just as important in their lives, even if they don’t see him as a boyfriend.

When they found out about Queerplatonic Relationships it was like big realization and a good way to include Patton in their lives that was not just a simply “he’s my best friend”.

And that makes him so happy, special and wanted he didn’t need or wished anything else.

But it was almost like the whole world was revolved in romance and that was the only way for anyone to find happiness. Like not having a romantic partner meant you’d be “alone forever” as if that was the worst thing ever.

Patton was not alone.

Patton was not unhappy.

Patton was not repressing feelings ~~anymore~~.

Patton was free. Patton was Patton.

And that was everything he needed.

Why wouldn’t anyone get this? Why was everyone so fixated on it? Why-

\- No! – Patton murmured before eating one last cookie and getting up from the sofa and turning his TV off – I’m not letting this ruin my day. I’m gonna take a shower.

> _“Am I vital  
>  If my heart is idle?  
>  Am I doomed?  
>  …  
>  If lovelessness is godlessness  
>  Will you cast me to the wayside?” Moses Sumney - Doomed_

Ok, maybe choosing this album to listen while taking a shower wasn’t a very uplifting choice. Not that his songs are bad. But they were not the type of songs for you to feel good, it’s more like a song to give you a relatable feeling. Something might make you say “yes, that’s what happens to me".

But the shower did gave him some good, since the cold water mixed with Moses’s voice echoing through the walls were relaxing and almost swooning, like meditating. Logan taught him how to fixate his thoughts in one single thing until he could slowly focus on the sensations of his surroundings and Patton particularly enjoyed doing this in the shower.

Patton threw his naked body in the bed and turned to see his own reflection in the mirror close to it.

He stared at his freckles, covering his entire brown body, and smiled as he remembered how Virgil made a small comment about how much he likes it because as a child he used to look at people with freckles and try to form constellations with them and it was like they have a little piece of the sky with them. That was the best “non-intentionally” cute comment he ever made.

He sat on the side of his bed and stared the mirror, giving more attention to his own details. He looked through his whole “galaxy body” passing some of his fingers through them, mentally picturing the whole sky moving around it. He never knew why but sometimes imagining things like this made him feel so good and at least for a second forget about everything else.

\- Let’s see this galaxy dance.

He picked up his phone, chose the first song that came with shuffle mode and got up.

> _“You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable  
>  You are not a robot  
>  You're lovable, so lovable  
>  But you're just troubled” Marina and the Diamonds – I Am Not a Robot_

This time he danced slowly and with his eyes closed.

His arms embracing his body and his movements had no shape or choreography.

It was just free and random.

Patton’s hands were running through his arms gently, like a self-cuddle, having this short moment to love himself.

He was moving his shoulders inclined his head behind and instead of just mouthing the lyrics, Patton allowed himself to actually sing.

He definitely was not.

He was a human being.

A lovely human being.

> _“It's okay to say you've got a weak spot  
>  You don't always have to be on top  
>  Better to be hated  
>  Than loved loved loved for what your not”_

Later that night, now completely undercovers and almost ready to sleep, he received a photo from the chat group of Roman, Virgil and Logan in the cafeteria after watching their movie.

The image of the latino man and the black goth kissing each side of the ginger haired nerd made Patton smile fondly.

* * *

**Patton (11:12 PM):** Omg, you all look so adorable <3

 **Patton (11:12 PM):** I’m happy you enjoyed your movie :3

 **Virgil (11:14 PM):** Yeah, it was really cool

 **Virgil (11:15 PM):** Logan and Roman wouldn’t stop geeking around it after the movie, they almost didn’t finished their meal

 **Roman (11:16 PM):** Oh, come on! There were many things to think about after that

 **Virgil (11:17 PM):** I’m not complaining, charming prince. It was cute seeing you theorizing things.

 **Roman (11:17 PM):** UwU

 **Roman (11:20 PM):** But hey! I guess we were not the only one who had a good movie night ¬u¬~

* * *

Roman sent a picture of his twin, laying on the living room’s couch, sleeping with his mouth open and his eyes slightly allowing to see his sclera as a short man with a small vitiligo around his left eye was sleeping on him with this arms embracing the rat man. Patton cooed upon the vision of his brother in such a lovely state.

* * *

**Roman (11:22 PM):** @Patton Morales blackmail? >:)

 **Patton (11:23 PM):** Pffff come on, Roman. We both know none of us would do this xD

 **Roman (11:23 PM):** Urgh, yeah you right…

 **Roman (11:23 PM):** Ah to be a poor honest man, who loves his brother too much

 **Roman (11:23 PM):** ú-ù

 **Virgil (11:25 PM):** Say this for yourselves, I have no sympathy for those dirty little sinners

 **Roman (11:25 PM):** omg VIRGIL!

 **Virgil (11:26 PM):** Urrrrrrgh alright alright, I’m the one who’s not allowed to be a jerk. Sorry.

 **Roman (11:27 PM):** I’m afraid some sins shall not be forgiven, sweet pudding… ú-ù

 **Virgil (11:27 PM):** Tsc, fuck you then. I want my Nightmare Before Christmas DVDs back

 **Patton (11:27 PM):** Omg, dears. Not this late at night xD

 **Virgil (11:28 PM):** lol ok, Patt. Don’t worry, I was just kidding

 **Virgil (11:28 PM):** I highly support your brothers

 **Virgil (11:29 PM):** I love you all

 **Roman (11:29 PM):** I love you too, storm cloud <3

* * *

Patton finished to curl up on his bed, hugging one of his pillows like a teddy bear and smiled to the phone screen with his lovely partners texts

* * *

**Patton (11:30 PM):** Hey, loves?

 **Virgil (11:30 PM):** Yeah?

 **Roman (11:31 PM):** Yes, Patton?

 **Patton (11:32 PM):** I know this will sound random but… Thank you

 **Patton (11:32 PM):** Thank you for being with me for so long

 **Patton (11:32 PM):** Thank you for accepting and understanding me

 **Patton (11:33 PM):** Thank you for being so kind and so nice and for having me in your lifes

 **Patton (11:33 PM):** Having you as my partners was the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t know how I’d be able to live without any of you

 **Patton (11:34 PM):** I just have a lot of feelings hehe

 **Patton (11:34 PM):** Anyway… That’s it. I’m going to sleep now but I had to say it.

 **Patton (11:35 PM):** I love you, dears!


End file.
